Clear and sensible boundaries help children become independent adults, who are more secure and believe in themselves. They can build satisfactory personal as well as working relationships.
Children who felt safe growing up can achieve these goals in adulthood.
In order for children to feel safe they must be able to have some control over
their environment and grasp that each action or behavior has a clear
consequence. Rules that have to do with behavior
are of the utmost importance. Children should be aware of what others expect of
them as well as what they can expect from others.
Adults should of course figure out which circumstances
call for a more lenient approach. Especially when it comes to human
relationships rules have exceptions. For example, if a child is sick, feeling tired
or going through a difficult period (puberty for example), he or she might need
a different approach. Furthermore, some behaviors are solely attention seeking and
as such, they need to be ignored.
From the first moments in its life a baby starts to connect
each action with a consequence. If it is a positive consequence then the action
that provoked it will be repeated. At this point it’s the adult who decides
which actions should have positive consequences (rewards). These actions are
now positively reinforced and more possible to be repeated. Gradually the positive behavior is formed.
Many times adults will unwittingly reinforce an
unwanted behavior thus making it more possible to be repeated. That may form a
negative behavior. One common example could be when a child screams and demands something which
he subsequently gets (while still screaming or crying). Sometimes a “negative”
consequence may actually work as a positive reinforcement for some children.
Consider the following example: A child doesn’t want to stay in the classroom
and is deliberately annoying. She is then sent to the principal’s office and so
achieves the goal of leaving the classroom.
There are no “quick fixes” and advice varies according
to circumstances.
In any case, an adult may:
-Decide which behaviors are positive and which ones
should change.
-Discover what the child likes and can be used to
shape behavior (when used as reinforcement or reward).
-Think in terms of earning or losing “privileges” and
not punishment. For example a child may, depending on her/his behavior, lose or
earn the privilege to play on the computer. There should be dialogue and discussion
with the child. Adults should explain the rationale behind their decisions and
actions. A strict punishment without dialogue may result in the negative
behavior momentarily stopping but in the long run won’t help a child learn what
the appropriate behavior is.
-All family members should agree, accept and follow the same rules. Children can become very controlling and will take advantage of very mild adults.
A child can and should understand that each action has a consequence. We all have rights and responsibilities. The same rules that apply at home, also apply in the playground, at school and later on at work. Once children learn to apply those rules, they will grow up to be cooperative and calm. They will feel calm, since they will feel safe in a predictable environment with boundaries, but at the same time an environment that can be shaped through their own actions.
